“This morning when my boy woke up he called for his mother; a few minutes later, while she was preparing a bottle, I walked quietly into the room. He waved to me, as I lay across the end of his bed. He muttered “good morning” in his sleepy voice. His hand was extended to me and I held it for awhile, massaging the fingers gently. No words were spoken. The action seemed to be pulling him from his not-yet-awake consciousness, into the world. He withdrew his hand and said “Go.” That was all he said, “Go!” I smiled and said “ok.” As I left the room I added that I would see him in awhile. He smiled and nuzzled deep into the bedding.” (Fathering Journal, 12/19/93)
In the above vignette there appears to be no agenda, no method, and no intention on the father’s part but to be with his boy. Perhaps nothing was gained, yet certainly nothing was lost in this gentle interaction. This interchange was influenced by the context and the state of the father’s psyche. In that moment the father appears free of conflicting demands which could have predetermined his psychological, emotional, and behavioral posturing. What took place in the father’s psyche, both conscious and unconscious, is of interest. How he entered the room could have been conditioned by numerous potential influences. He could have been carrying a judgement of how long he feels his boy should sleep and of how he should wake up. When told to “go,” there was fertile ground for intrapsychic intrusion on the part of the father. He could have allowed dozens of alternative responses (i.e., his feelings could have been hurt). Yet, quite simply, he got up and walked out of the room. How did he do that? In addition, what message did he leave with his son as communicated by his body posture, breathing pattern, words, and gestures? These actions are also grounds for choice or subject to defensive responses. Could these responses have been determined by the degree of awareness brought to the situation?
A recent article in the Providence Journal reminds us that we have control over our success and our failure, if we pay attention:
“With the downturn in the economy comes an increased interest in starting a business.
You may be interested because you lost your job, or because you have a great idea, or because you cannot find a job you are interested in.
Regardless of the reason, however, you will find there is more information available concerning starting a business than the average human being can consume in a lifetime.
Standard advice includes: prepare a solid business plan, have cash for at least six months, work with a good accountant and attorney; understand your market, understand your competition and have a marketable product or service.
This is good advice indeed. But in our experience, business success or failure involves more than adhering to these maxims. You can have an excellent business plan, good financing, a good product or service and good advisers, yet you may inadvertently sabotage your business and fail. Here are the things you need to pay attention to in order to avoid sabotaging your business success.
• Don’t let fear immobilize you. We believe the No. 1 issue adversely affecting success in a new business is fear: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of criticism, fear of feeling unappreciated, fear of thinking no one will like your product or service or you. Understand that fear can immobilize you and learn to recognize it and deal with it. Continue Reading »
I am delighted to come across a blog by Helge Hellberg an apparent leader in his field and the organic movement. After a panel discussion of the film Food, Inc. , Helge reflects on his participation and leaves us with the realization that - throughbeing judgmental and reactive we may actually become an obstacle to the very thing we are trying to understand and change.
“And who are we to display the organic movement as the solution and the food industry as the evil “other”, when it is all about engagement and integration and changing things by becoming a part of it, because, truly, we are already a part of it?”
We have all heard that “we need to become the change we are trying to envision.” Yet, how do we do this unless we develop the internal capacity to embrace difference; the “good” and the “bad,” the “ugly” and “the pretty,” or “what we hope for” and “what we fear?”
Settling our thinking, our behaviors and decisions simply by addressing one side of the equation, as Helge reminds us, perpetuates the struggle of “my way” is better than “your way,” or simply “self vs. other.” With training and practice we can develop a capacity for difference. This capacity allows for ambivalence and moves the struggle as perceived externally into a more global and holistic perspective, when managed internally. We can actually develop an “evolutionary capacity” that holds and facilitates authentic change. One side of the equation does not have to defeat the other side. In fact it is an equation that informs us of all the variables that are necessary to be whole.
Holding an Evolutionary Capacity is one of the true expressions of leadership. How do we lead, ourselves and those who depend on us, into the complexity and the contradictory nature of life? How do we greet a life that is so full of challenge? And how do we do this with a heart that both envisions possibility and love of life while at other times shrinks from the suffering we experience and the fear of what is to come?
If we recognize that what we are trying to change is already a part of us and not something separate, would it make a difference in the decisions we make and how we make them? Please take a look at Helge Hellberg’s blog and the community that seems to be working diligently to develop this Evolutionary Capacity. For more, please contact me at: tim@drtimothydukes.com.
There is such an extraordinary value to allowing silence to be a part of our every day practice. Find the time, inside of your business day, and “choose” to be in stillness. Take a moment. Stop and listen to the inside and the outside. Simply sit without being compelled to move to the next thought or action. Allow silence.
Later, notice if your performance is affected. Is your mind clearer? Does your energy level change? Has your ability to listen deepened?
Stress, oxidative stress in particular, seems to increase in direct proportion to our loss of joy. We know we need more joy in our life, but most of us may not know how to find it. Particularly now, when so much is uncertain, life as we know it seems flimsy. Many of us have already had to face change and live with fear, doubt, and frustration that more change is coming and that there may not be much we can do about it. Finally, just considering any kind of change brings on more stress.
That simple fact is; most of us don’t know how to change. And even if we did, the measurable and immeasurable risks are simply too high. Most of us just wait…. We wait so long that circumstance, life itself, forces change upon us. And usually this does not bring joy.
We fear staying where we are and we fear trying to do something about it! We wait for another day or a better idea – with fantasies of help coming to us from afar. Sometimes we just wait with no idea of what we are waiting for. Change will find us, this is certain, but will it be the kind of change we want? Is there something else we can do besides wait?
Maybe there is a simple solution. Focus on all that is not changing, accept where you are, and open more fully to what you have established that is indisputable. Find joy in what you are doing right in this moment. Seek the core values that brought you to this current place in your life and amplify them.
Joy may not last very long. As the mind seeks the unexpected, it will have a tendency to contract. This allows joy to recede and invites doubt, fear and frustration. These feelings are important if for no other reason, they motivate us. Let these “negative” emotions motivate you to claim more fully the joy that is available to you right now: deepen you appreciation for the business you have created, find new value in your relationships, take more risks in opening new avenues of business development, follow more closely the impulses coming from your heart.
What strikes me about this film is the authentic and collective voice of leadership. In my opinion, individually and together these leaders recognize that to ensure the sustainability of their businesses, they have to participate in a cycle of generosity: they benefit by the coffee they receive from growers as they ensure that these growers will be able to continue to produce their products.
About the Video:
“This video served initially as a mechanism to reach an audience at the SCAA convention. It had to be short, succinct and immediately on message. Not only did we achieve that… we have been able to use this video as an outreach and fundraising tool ever since,” said Carolyn Fairman, Executive Director of Coffee Kids. “The team did an excellent job of capturing the nuances of our mission and communicating what makes us unique.”
About its Production
Josh Backer , the creative director and filmmaker, speaking about his production company: “Animal Studio has always operated on the principal of working collaboratively and utilizing new technology to maximize creative output. By design, we have created a studio that can produce high end work, typically found only in markets used to paying a premium for good strategy, creative and execution. The pipeline we have created for projects – our work flow – the people we bring together and the way we do it – this is something that goes into every project. It’s just who we are.” (read more)
I want to ask you to imagine sitting in your meeting today, or one in the near future. Can you consciously make room for the other? You know, that quiet teammate who holds so much tension that you can’t help but find them irritating, or the one who overly compensates and jumps into the gap in defense of her managers, her behavior – more in service of controlling how she is perceived than adding value to your meeting.
Can you make room for these people without reacting or shutting down? Can you find a strategy to utilize them and leverage their talents verses reacting and contributing to counterproductive patterns? Can you move through your own considerations” leading” the process so that all who are involved are enhanced, outcomes achieved, productivity increased? How much choice do you have?
Here is one way to bring more consciousness to such an opportunity/challenge. Right now, as you are reading this post, bring your awareness to your own body and close your eyes, taking three full breaths. Now with your eyes open find the predominate sensation in your body. Simply note this sensation and again breathe three times while relaxing the rest of the body. Now, allow your awareness to travel to another sensation that calls your attention, breath and relax. Notice if there is a shift in the quality of your attention and gently hold your awareness with these sensations predominate, breath and relax. Note that you can open your awareness now to include the context you are in while remaining aware of sensations, your body, the breath and the space around you.
While sustaining this attention, imagine that you are back in the meeting with your team. Gain a sense of the distance and the degrees of separation. Notice the space and discover with curiosity, canyou choose your response?
The more positive we are the better we adapt. The good feelings that go along with being positive actually increase our capacity to pay attention, “Beyond their pleasant subjective feel, positive emotions, positive moods, and positive sentiments carry multiple, interrelated benefits.” (read more)
As a leader, feeling positive, is a good thing. You feel better and you are able to broaden your capacity to pay attention and you make better decisions, right? Yes, and only yes, if your feelings include the feelings of others. This means, your empathy quotient needs to be very high; you feel good, your employees, family, and colleagues feel good and you flourish.
If your “positive feelings” are disconnected from these people in your life you should worry. It is a clear indication that you reside in a world of your own making, you have drawn a line indicating that; ”everything on this side I care about and everything on the other side of the line does not concern me!”
Today, we clearly see that -what affects the global economy, directly affects me, my loved ones and my personal economy. Being connected and empathically attuned – maintaining space for how you think and feel while being available for how other people think and feel – is more important now than ever. We are moving into an age that requires us to have the courage to remain open and available to ourselves and one another. The science of human and social development reveals one simple message: “we are all in this together, what is good for me also has to be good for you.”
“I work with leaders who are mindful of the extraordinary value of their relationships. Through deep listening, insight, critical reflection, and well coordinated mutual regard – we transform your relationships - the basis for creating dynamic individual and organizational success.” -Tdukes
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The more positive we are the better we adapt. The good feelings that go along with being positive actually increase our capacity to pay attention, “Beyond their pleasant subjective feel, positive emotions, positive moods, and positive sentiments carry multiple, interrelated benefits.” 
